bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The USS B port
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.