You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves