Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Duck typos.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day