[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!