Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Mood.. 😂
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady