I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
✌🏽
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I want to meet the individual who made this
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..