does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself