If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.