Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?