If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.