For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
socratic questions
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end