me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.