Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
What about a To-Don’t List?