I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
You Might Also Like
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The two types of wives
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do