Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Perfect.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When you kidnap a writer.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored