Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry