Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?