Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
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The three genders.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I’m dying louder than usual today.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”