Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I’ve been drinking.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.