The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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This is a true ally.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My sex drive has a dui
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Wednesday
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
the composer
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.