Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.