james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.