i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
not to brag, but mine was free
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.