{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
motivation
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Childbirth is so beautiful