This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
#catsoftwitter
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]