Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
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“i miss shittin on people”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]