Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
doing your own taxes
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Banana is the quietest snack
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.