How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?