Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Uh oh…
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…