My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Respect
ME (calling my horse with no name):
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.