reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly