a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
You Might Also Like
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.