Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”