If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
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I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack