God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.