Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.