Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
back to work
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.