Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
become ungovernable
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Rt to bother an English speaker
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by