Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
You Might Also Like
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
reminder
Worst Native American name ever.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*