My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
How much for the goth pool noodles?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle