Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
You Might Also Like
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .