ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
become ungovernable
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
just leave it at the foot of the bed
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.