Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I love art.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.