“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.