everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?