Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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Message from the dog groomers
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
is this how new cars are made??
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!