“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
This story is comedy gold 😂
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.