Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
o shit
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.