*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
the composer
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?