Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.